Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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