he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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