I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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