he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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