If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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