why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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