I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
