I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
