omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
