omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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