I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
