he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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