I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
