I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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