Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
