the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
