so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
