and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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