Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
