Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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