I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Randomize
