saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
