Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
