i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
