they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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