my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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