ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
