i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
