Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
