he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
