Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
