Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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