Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
