next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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