I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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