He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
