Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
