i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
