I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
