How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
