I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
