True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
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