I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
