VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
