Sry I called you an 8
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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