Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
two words: eviction party
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
