I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
