If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
