Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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