Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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